I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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