Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
