i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Sorry my hands just texted you
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Randomize
