Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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