Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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