new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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