don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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