It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
