Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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