Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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