can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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