sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
