Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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