Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
