mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
