Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
