since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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