Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Randomize
