hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
