sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
