I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
