He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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