Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
