I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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