kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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