Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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