And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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