Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
