So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
