I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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