things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
