is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
