I hate your face
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
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