Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize