moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Actions speak louder than pants.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
