my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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