rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
