my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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