i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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