I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
