I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
