drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
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