I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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