i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
