I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize