all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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