I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
