they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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