im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
