Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
