I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize