I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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