just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
