I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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