when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
