Will you blow on my dice?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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