If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
how drunk are you?
Several
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
