All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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