My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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