How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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