I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
