You smell like a Billy Joel song
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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