my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
she told me i tasted like america
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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