Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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