whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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