I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
he shaved USA in his pubs
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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