Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
