she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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